A common question that has come to me in the weeks and months after each of my babies was born is: “Is he/she an easy baby?”
So many mothers can probably attest to having heard this question frequently. And as I reflect on this question, I found that for both of my babies I often answered with a weary laugh and: “Well… he/she can be a handful!”
I completely understand that there are mothers out there who have dealt with babies that have been much more fussy, gassy, or cranky than mine. Some mothers deal with babies that have unique and special needs, and I am sure that their experiences have been so much more demanding than mine. And I always think too of the many women whose deepest desire is to have children, a desire so strong that their very souls ache from the weight of it, and yet God has different plans for them. Or all those that have lost their children.. who am I to voice my struggles with parenting when those parents suffer with that sort of burden?
Yet the fact remains that I struggle. God has given us all trials of different type and caliber, and we must all learn to grow in faith from them and to become more Christ-like. If I am to be truly honest with how I’ve felt about my experiences with my babies from 0-6 months, I would say that I very often have struggled, and they haven’t been the easiest babies. Every day is different too; some are agonizingly difficult and some are so easy-breezy. So as I sit here pondering the question: “Were they easy babies?” and my ready-to-give answer: “Well… they’ve been a handful”, I’ve begun to flip them around in my mind:
“Have I been an easy mother to have?”
“Have I been a handful… for them?”
I know in my heart of hearts that the answer ultimately is ‘no, I haven’t been an easy mother to have around’ and ‘I really have been a handful for them some days’. And the reason why is this: I am sinful, and dreadfully depraved, and full of shortcomings. And you can bet that my children will be some of the first to witness my shortcomings, second only to my husband. They will be the ones that are first touched by my frustration, my exhaustion, my uncontrolled temper, my impatience, and the many other shortcomings that manifest themselves after a tough day of parenting. I will owe them (and have already given them) apologies frequently. They have seen me at my worst as I’ve tried to navigate life with ‘two under two’. I can be frustrated with the toddler in his ‘terrible two’ stage and it affects how I deal with my six-month old daughter. Or I wrongly snap at my son when I’ve been struggling with my daughter’s fussy tummy or clingy days. Being a mother has challenged me so much every single day, and often has pushed me to what feels like my limits. So many days I feel that my energy has run out, my patience has run out, my level head has left me, and it may not even be 10:00 a.m. yet!! It feels as though I cannot handle one more dirty diaper, one more toddler tantrum, one more minute of consoling a gassy baby. I think that surely I won't survive one more night of cooking supper while the baby cries, or that I'll absolutely lose it if my toddler asks me for the hundredth thing he needs. Anyone out there fighting the battle of patience alongside me?
And yet I cannot write about the struggles of motherhood without also writing about God’s grace, which is exceedingly abundant. The struggles are sometimes my alarm clock, and meet me in the morning when I open my eyes after a sleepless night. But right along with them comes God’s tender mercies, new with the morning light… and I am forever grateful for that, as they pull my weary body out of bed. Praise God that His sun persists in rising, that He saw fit to cause His air and His life to flow in and out of my children’s lungs and hearts all through the night, and that He opened my heavy eyelids to another day with them too. What a tremendous, awe-inspiring, precious gift they are to me. No, not every day is easy. Some days are such a handful for me. But it is not by my own strength or wisdom that I am able to continue along the winding path to eternity with my children in hand. My Father in Heaven holds the entire world in His hands, including me, and my husband, and my precious children; it is upon Him that I lean, and it is because of Him that I can lay my cares aside when my arms have become too full to lift them any longer. I must continue to acknowledge Him in all my ways, and as He has promised, He will direct my path. Not only that, but He will give me rest. He will remind me of the gift my children are, and of how He works all things for my good, and in doing so will remind me to be grateful rather than frustrated.
So now when an elderly person at the grocery store spots me toting around my two-year-old and six-month-old, and they smile and make that all-too-familiar remark of, "Looks like you've got your hands full!", I just smile and tell them that I definitely do. My hands are full and my heart is bursting full too.
Momma, Hold Me Close
Momma, I’m so glad you found me
It’s so very dark in here
I think I’ll snuggle up to you
I sleep better when you’re near
Mom, you keep me nice and warm
As you hold and feed me through the night
I know that it’s late, no one else is awake
But we’re together, so it’s fine.
Momma please come help me
I woke up very scared
My tummy hurts, what should I do?
It helps knowing that you’re there.
Momma please pay attention
I’ll cry till you turn your head
I know you’re busy cooking
But just pick me up instead.
Mom, I’m glad you came to hold me
Your skin just smells so sweet
Momma, how come you’re crying?
Let’s just cuddle instead of sleep.
Did you know that nighttime
Is my favorite time of all?
We’re all alone, you hold me close
And sing my favorite songs.
Momma, you’re the best
You make me smile and laugh
What would I do if I didn’t have you?
You’re the best friend that I could have.
- - - - -
Mom can you come here!?
I fell and scraped my knee
It hurts and I don’t know what else to do
Other than stand here and scream
Can you kiss it for me mom?
That makes it feel alright
Thank you for the hugs
I’m so glad that you’re mine!
Hey momma, you look tired
There are circles under your eyes
I’m so glad you came up to rock me
When I couldn’t sleep last night
Mom please come and play with me
I don’t think the house is a mess
The dishes and the clothes can wait
Our playtime is the best
Momma can I have a snack?
And a drink? You forgot the ice!
I can’t figure out why you sigh like that
I’ve only asked six times.
Hey mom let’s go outside!
Please get my shoes and coat and hat.
I thought you’d be excited like me
Why do you look so tired and sad?
Mom, it scared me when you yelled
It seems so out of the blue
Thank you for saying sorry
Well of course I'll forgive you!
Mom can you read me a story?
Or two, or three, or four?
I see you yawn, but smile too
When I ask for just one more.
So when you're feeling tired
Please Momma you must know
How much your love has helped me
As I learn and as I grow.
I know your hands feel full
And I hope they always do
Because that means you hold me close
And you'll hear me say, "I love you."
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