An Honest Letter from the Girl Who Left Home

This particular piece has been on my mind and heart since the day I climbed into the passenger seat of my Oldsmobile Alero, tears rolling down my face, with my dad at the wheel preparing to drive everything I owned across the country to Washington state. Having just hugged my mom goodbye, she and I both cried, for we knew that there was a good chance that my car would never come rolling up her driveway again; all of my things would be halfway across the country rather than in the upstairs bedroom of her house that I’d occupied since I was little.

In reality, most everyone moves away from home at some point, and each situation is a big change for parent and child, whether that child is moving 10 blocks or 10,000 miles away. Male or female, younger or older, far or near, it is an adjustment. I know that several men have made the sacrifice to move away from their parents as well, and they ought to be appreciated and understood for that too. But in this letter, I am going to acknowledge the difficult sacrifice that young women who move away from their families make. It is hard to remember that you are appreciated for doing this. It is almost viewed as “a given”, and a change that should simply get easier after the first year or so of being away.

Something I need to make clear before I dive into this letter is that in making this move, young women are following the command of God. Some make the move as single women, desiring to teach in a Christian school far away, or to follow another vocation God has called them to. Others make the move for marriage, and in doing so are obeying the command God gave in Genesis 2: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24). This command is repeated for married persons three more times in the New Testament. Even as we move far away from our mother and father, we acknowledge that we do so according to God’s command and His sovereign will for our lives, and we do so in utmost gratefulness for the incredible spouse God has blessed us with. However, we battle our sinful nature just as others do. While all married children must ‘leave and cleave’, our version of leaving is a difficult one, a sharp transition, and can be so very hard for us to do. It is time for me to admit that I struggle daily with fighting against discontentment. This blog is centered around the concept of having a joyful heart, and I’ll be the first to admit that I fall short in that so very often. Not every day is ‘easy’, and rose-colored, and sunshiny. I struggle when my heart is not joyful, but feels so heavy and is aching because I miss my mom, my sister, my dad, my brothers, and now also my sisters-in-law and my new baby niece.

My intention in writing this letter is not to fill a page up with complaints, or to boast about how brave I am in making the move. It is most definitely not a way to say, “I know exactly how you feel and exactly what you’re going through” to other women who are doing this in a similar way. We are all different people from different walks of life with different hearts, and I can only express how this has gone for me personally. Mostly the purpose of this letter for me is to be an outlet for the poisonous thoughts that so often creep into my heart and that I am constantly trying to keep at bay. It is for my own mental, spiritual, and physical health, as well as that of my husband’s, whom I am one-flesh with. It is not to lash out or to hurt feelings of those around me; rather it is a way to try and explain to others why young women like myself might behave the way they do: possibly with a heightened sensitivity to certain comments, or tears in their eyes at what might seem like random moments, being more quiet or more moody at times, maybe not wanting to go on an outing somewhere. I hope that other women going through this will read it and message me about the points they feel they can relate to and the points I have portrayed incorrectly. And most of all, I hope this letter can be used to thank and encourage other women in this choice they have made, in this gift they have given their husbands, or students, or their church family. I feel that this group of women needs it often, as in my case, when the struggle returns with each morning light.

Before I moved and after, my father commented to me frequently that Lynden, Washington would have a very different culture than that of Hull, Iowa, where I grew up. (You will be reading several of my father’s words to me in my blog overall; he is an incredibly wise man). He could not have been more correct in this statement. When I moved, I felt that so many things were different from what I had been accustomed to for twenty-two years: vocabulary, references, cooking, food preferences, restaurants, church groups and social events, Sunday afternoon/evening practices, friend groups, weather/climate, geography, schooling, extracurricular events, hobbies, interests, social outings, and the list could continue on. Not wrong, just different. Combine these differences in every single area of life with: my emotions, becoming a new wife, new family members, getting a new job, a new friend group, a new church family, a new house, a new town, and a complete lack of history in the area. I was left feeling like a completely new person. Kelsey Heystek felt incredibly foreign to Kelsey Kooima. She still does sometimes even now, although to a lesser degree as I have had to adapt myself and assimilate myself into Lynden’s culture, and have been doing so for over two years. I felt as though I had taken about 5% of Kelsey Kooima, of twenty-two years, along with me to my new life with Darren. Of course I realize that this is a natural change when you enter into the married state, and you should be a different person than when you were single. It just hit as such a tidal wave, one that I had to deal with while being 1600 miles away from those who knew me so well.

In order to further my point, this analogy comes to mind and quite accurately describes how I feel as a person now living somewhere I did not grow up:

I feel as though 'the Kelsey' I am in Washington and then subsequently show to others is the tip of the iceberg, and the person I was for all my life before moving, who I truly am deep inside, is the hidden part of the iceberg. It is very difficult to delve into that water and try to explain all the intricate parts of it to someone who has not known me my whole life, and who hasn’t experienced many of those past life situations alongside me. It can be done of course, it just takes work, and often I feel that an appropriate time never really presents itself in my current life. “It just never came up” is often the phrase I use when someone is surprised to learn something new about me, something that to me is a large chunk of the iceberg, a significant part of myself. An example of this would probably be my writing. That huge part of my life in Iowa didn’t come with me to Washington for some reason. There it was, just lying dormant deep down, until recently I revived my blog; it was so satisfying and comforting, it almost felt as if I’d found an old familiar piece of myself back. It was shocking to several people around me; and it was shocking for me as well - how could I have been living in Washington for over two years without anyone knowing about that huge part of myself? It had been hidden under the water for quite some time. Strangely, and probably wrongly on my part, is that if I’m not asked directly, I won’t talk about it. Similarly, I've found myself incredibly guilty of not directly asking other women about themselves. How many countless times have I only glanced at the tip of the iceberg and completely missed the true and real parts of others that are hidden only because I've neglected to ask? I’d love to hear if others feel this same analogy is accurate, applied both to themselves and how they've treated others.

It is important to acknowledge the difficulty I am trying to sort through in this letter. It is so hard to live away from immediate family. It is hard to watch them make memories from afar, to watch them spend holidays together without you. It is hard to have a day when everything feels as though it is falling apart at your job or with your kids, and not being able to receive a hug from your parents, or to go for lunch with your mom whenever you need a break to talk. It is hard to know that your parents cannot see your day-to-day growth in your vocation or in being a mother. It is so incredibly difficult to have a child of your own that grows quickly and knows little to nothing of his/her aunts, uncles, and grandparents on one or both sides. It is hard to be away from precious nieces or nephews that grow so quickly and know little to nothing of you. And it is so difficult for our parents (and siblings) to be away from us as well - our parents very much miss their children and grandchildren, and sometimes feel helpless watching us struggle from afar, unable to be there in person to ease this or that difficulty. It also needs to be said that the distance doesn't necessarily get easier through the years with different stages of life. For me, things became much harder when I found out I was pregnant, then found out my sister-in-law was pregnant; also when my younger brother got married, and especially after my son was born and my niece was born soon after. All these things made the distance challenging in a new way. Having a baby didn't "fix it" for me. It made the goodbyes much more difficult, as my family has to say goodbye to not only me, but Camden too; similarly I have to say more goodbyes to my new family members.

The biggest struggle for me in dealing with these various situations has been contentment. Contentment is a struggle for all the children of God, but prior to moving, I had not expected to be hit with such a strong temptation toward discontentment. The Devil surely smiled menacingly when, with longing in my heart, I watched my childhood home grow small in the passenger side mirror of my Alero, until we had driven over a hill and I could not see it any longer. He had to have been thinking to himself, “Perfect, oh so perfect….now I’ve got her pinned against the wall, with a huge weakness in her heart. Now I can so easily paint discontentment all over her soul. I can fill her heart with it, until it overflows and seeps through her veins from head to toe to the tips of her fingers. She will become poisoned by it. She will forget to be thankful for what God has given her. Loneliness will creep in. She will become sensitive, negative, sullen, angry, resentful, self-pitying, bitter, selfish. She will lash out at those around her, even if it is just in her mind. She will become spiritually weak and so wonderfully discontent.”

What a battle this truly is for me. I would love to know if other women feel the same. I have experienced days where I’ve felt so heavy with the above temptations, and I can only explain it as being ‘pressed-in-on’. Almost as if all those emotions are squeezing my heart until I feel a near-physical pain, until the tears stream down my face and I just scramble around trying to find relief. Just very recently I was having a day such as this, and before bed picked up my Bible only to have it fall open to the very Psalm this blog is based upon. Only God’s hand could have led me right to that exact passage, and as my eyes traveled over the words I felt this lifting sensation.

"Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures evermore." -Psalm 16:11 KJV

I could breathe again. When I am tempted to despair, to be jealous of those surrounding me who have all of their family members close to their side, to be resentful and bitter and angry, there is only one cure. And that is to direct my eyes up toward Heaven, toward the God who has placed me here in Lynden, rather than in Hull. His will is to be done, not mine.

“Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” - Phillipians 4:11 KJV

This means that whatever my circumstances, wherever I currently am right now in this moment, I must be content. I smile when I read this because in a way it applies to me literally too - “whatsoever state”, Iowa or Washington, I must be content. Whatever state you live in, whatever family you do or don’t live near, whatever trial you have suffered, whatever success you have been given, whatever you have lost, whatever emotions flood your heart…you must be content.

God is teaching me to cling less tightly to the earthly things I hold so dear, such as my hometown and my memories, and even time with my dearest loved ones. They belong to Him first and foremost, rather than to me. He created time, created a time for everything under Heaven, and has designated a certain amount of that time for me and my family to spend together, now that I’ve moved away. It is a truth that is hard for my sinful heart to accept most days, but a truth that also comes to me with an abundant amount of grace. Just as my struggles are new every morning, so are His mercies. And His mercies are so much greater than any difficulty, trial, or temptation I will ever face. I have a friend that sticks closer than a brother, my precious Jesus who knows my entire heart, pre-move and post-move, and who understands the pain within. He has walked a more difficult path than I ever, ever will, and He will lovingly walk with me through my path of life too, the path that has led me 1600 miles away from my family and from a place I may always call 'home'.

This piece is dedicated to all the brave women I know who have moved away from home (or will be moving away) for one reason or another. I think of you so often and had each of you in mind as I wrote this. It is such a daily struggle and I pray you are all finding peace and contentment in God’s way for you.

-Kaity H

-Katie C

-Jessica H

-Katie H

-Dani Z

-Kelsie M

-Maruso H

-Molly H

-Alaina T

-Ruth K

-Kris K

-Joan K

-Rachel K

-Lael G

-Becky U

-Kim VG

-Kayla VB

-Hannah VD

-Jacque VM

-Jenna P

-Kendra H

-Courtney B

-Sarah L

-Jessica VK

-Becca G

-Melanie DJ

-Julie S

-Amanda H

-Kalista DV

-Karina H

-Emily G

-Dana B

-Rachel DB

-Laura H

-Michelle VB

-Michelle H

-Brandi B

-Mary B

-Mary VG

-Alyssa H

-Ashley K

-Kimberly S

-Lucy H

-Kristi K

-Anna B

-Megan S

-Anna P

-Tori R

-Lisa O

**I absolutely KNOW that I’m missing several names on here. If you’re reading this, and I’ve forgotten your name, or you know of someone I've forgotten, please go to my homepage or my Facebook page and send me a message, so I’m able to add you to this post and add you to my prayers.**

**Also please take a few more moments, and scroll further down to read through my comment on this post below - I wanted to include some practical tips we can use to fight this battle against discontentment.**